Who could hope to take on such rowing demi-gods? Well, I had my money on the Molesey four they met in the first round. Four to one on at Paddy Power on East Molesey high street, quids in I thought, can’t miss. But miss they did, Thames toasted them off the start and held on to win over the 800m course; 10 more metres and Molesey would have been through them. Not unlike Pinsent in ‘04, 2 billion fewer viewers and less blubbing but not far off. The Don concurred, stroking his, er, chin.

While I remember, it was good to catch up with our rivals from Twickenham too, with whom we’ve shared a few battles and whose “novvie” 4 has really kicked on this season. Genuinely touched by the support they’ve lent us in the last few regattas and I hope we’ve done the same for them. How many times do Thames crews get cheered by other clubs? Not often, and I think that’s because we’re rowing pondlife! Perhaps the two clubs can go on from here and get the Novice squads training and competing against each other next season. A challenge laid down?

Back to the action. Burway next, I think. Their 2 man had provoked the Foo’s ire – an escapee from the ashes of Sigue Sigue Sputnik (younger readers, ask your grandparents or James Elder who they were). Everyone’s favourite Melanesian coolly and calmly rationalised it as thus: “We’re going to smash those ****ing ****ers. That **** can get right off my ****ing river with a mother ****ing haircut like that. We’re going to annihilate those ****s.” True to his word, Thames did. Back to your hairspray and gel products, you post-punk fools! Thames through to the final.

Meanwhile, Fenland Polytechnic’s dev squads were cleaning up in all the events. Taking a break from studying Land Economy, sodomitic acts and spying for the Russians, the bog-dwelling fops were putting on an impressive show and knocked our IM3 ladies VIII out. Could our boys stop Granta’s winning streak?

Sadly no. Despite a spunky row Thames slipped to defeat. Our power versus their finesse? Cambridge’s greater experience certainly came to the fore. But it was encouraging to see our boys, with 9 months of rowing behind them, put on a strong show against a crew likely to have had a couple of years of experience and who’d now be boating together most days of the week.

Lastly, a big thanks to the hardy souls who braved a biting wind to stay on and support the IV. We salute you, Puppies, Cat, Rhy and The Don.

OMBA

Pictured below, members of the Novice Men’s squad give their reaction to the result of the final.

The following lithographs were found sandwiched between a dog-eared copy of Big and Bouncy and an edition of Regatta magazine circa 1916 (Headline: “The Empire’s plucky boaters stick it to Jerry at Jutland”). Strangely someone had gone through the jazz mag highlighting the best bits with a green marker and ungrammatical Bulgarian. But I digress.

Barring the move from ash oars to carbon-fibre cleavers, what’s remarkable is how little the scene has changed in one hundred years. Maybe stout brogues, a post-outing glass of port and 100% woollen root suits are the way forward for 09/10 season?

Click on the images a few times for a closer look…

After a diffident couple of weeks of training post-Dublin, the IM3 qualified-IV dragged their weary bodies up the towpath to compete in Richmond Regatta on June 27. Work commitments and swine flu scares meant that the only pre-race outing was on the eve of the race, a Cracknell/Fogle-esque 2 hour effort to Eel Pie Island with the chafed-arses and blistered spanners to match . I’m not sure that Richmond’s pubside ladyfolk have recovered from the sight of The Foo gliding past “sans chemise” but I can confirm Dylan that yes, your back looked really, really big.

Boating the next day from Twickenham RC in blistering conditions, Thames dispatched Eton Excelsior if not with elan then with some ease; a scrappy row but the right result. The keen ornithologists among you might be interested to know that the crew caught a brief glimpse of a mature bearded chuff as they crossed the line, a dainty bird with well-maintained plummage seen all to infrequently on these shores. Unfortunately, this was not to prove a good omen and in the final a few hours later an experienced Twickenham crew delivered unto us a rowing lesson from a very great height.

I’d like to mention here the very warm welcome that we received all weekend from our colleagues at Twickenham RC. A finer bunch you couldn’t hope to meet, especially their ladies four who kindly clapped and cheered us back into the raft after our plucky defeat. I think we were mistaken for the victors….but anyway, thank you Twickers tweacles, we’ll toast your good health at Remenham this week.

As a footnote, the paddle back on Sunday morning was, for me, one of the highlights of the season so far. Old Twickenham in the eary morning sun, church bells ringing, ducks idling in the shallows, cricket on the green, jumpers for goalposts, etc. A magnificent way for Nicki to celebrate her 21st birthday!

Share the (Thames) love and good luck to our betters at Henley this week!

OMBA

The squad and their livers have recently returned from a successful trip to Eire. The brave boys and girls showed the bog-botherers how a boat should be rigged at Dublin’s Met Regatta. The experience gained earlier in the year on the apocalyptic day known as “The First Two Bridges Run” stood them in excellent stead – there was no pain in Hatwell’s rigging dojo. The arse-end of a tropical cyclone held no fears for our plucky crew, Tom H winning a “Best In Show” for the quality of his strokeside rigger work on a trailer-loaded 4+, and the squad a “Highly Commended” for the artful presentation of the stabilising oars on an upturned 8 – “a post-modern vision of a dystopian future, laced with irony” was how the judges described it. Thames RC for the Turner prize next year?

Apparently there was meant to be a rowing regatta on too but that got cancelled ‘cos of the gopping weather.

It was all a massive shame for Alex as he’d put in a lot of work behind the scenes to secure us boats, oars, some seats that actually worked (and some that didn’t), race crew entries and getting Rich off that noncing charge so he could enter the country. Good work though big man.
 
So rather than toasting victories the after-regatta session merely offered the chance to toast to some squad birthdays and in rowing vernacular ”get on it”. Your scribe cemented his beta male status by falling victim to some particularly fine mobile phone tomfoolery and retired, dignity shredded, at a shamingly early doors. Foo lyrically described the w/e to me as thus -

“Highlights – You losing your shit; All you pansies suffering from pussythermia on Saturday; Adam losing his shit; Toys for Don and Mary”

Probing further (with Mazza’s gift?) my sources tell me that Mary enthusiastically cemented Anglo-Oirish relations and Nicki really, really likes “cuddles”. Pip waxed lyrical about Karl’s rhythmic buttocks. Adam “Banzai” Porter manfully grappled with the Polish Vodka Question and I think it’s fair to say, he answered it. We learnt that the path of the Oirish Gimp is prohibitively expensive and I’m still not really sure what Don is going to do with that washing machine waste pipe seal (extra-large).

How do you top that?

Old Man Bad Aids

PS – Thanks to Dave for the photos.

Are there any finer sights than a glorious summer’s day in Richmond? The riverside bars,  the wild flowers in the water meadows, pretty girls in floaty summer dresses, the braying of sloanes drifting on the wind andpiss-stained tramps passed out on the towpath at 8am in the morning. Summer truly is here.

Alan Hawes’ overnight commando raid with the trailer bagged TRC the plum spot by the boating beach. Look at our trailer positioning and weep, Vesta! Clearly inspired by Big Al’s nifty reverse parking, Bryony and Harriet spent much of the morning on a prolonged UT2 training paddle, effortlessly cruising up and down the course – and just so happening to lay waste to  all IM2 and IM3 oppo in the double sculls along the way. Top effort ladies, treat yourselves to a delicious mango and passionfruit smoothie on us.

http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/things_we_make/smoothies/mango_passion/

Next, our own lissome lightweight (in drinking terms, if not kgs), Lewis, led the MN4+ in a really gutsy row against a tidy Twickers crew. Half a length up at the trailer, Dave’s popped hamstring put paid to any thoughts of victory and scuppered Lewis’ hopes of joining his vomit-stained towpath chum in a scrumpy binge that arvo – being bumped up into the VIII to replace his fallen comrade (Dave that is, not the tramp).

Dorrance-King couldn’t repeat his heroics of Borne and slipped to defeat in the 2nd round of the sculls – the 15 pints of Old Peculiar he’d had the night before might have had something to do with it. A pomegranate, blueberry and acai superfruits drink might have been a better pre-bed tincture, young Harry.

http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/things_we_make/super/detox/

Despite the presence of the Ergonator (supported by the fetching Fraulein Ergonator who looks like she’d pull a 7.30 for a 2k, yoghurt drink or no yoghurt drink), the IM3 4+ slipped to a hard-fought loss. The crew remarked on how their catches could have been improved by Innocent’s new Orange Juice (with bits). “It’s sort of like when Justin left NSYNC, except with oranges”, said the Foo, and who were we to disagree?

http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/things_we_make/orange_juice/

The mood was lightened by a spectacular display of cattiness and dummy-spitting by the ladies of Vesta boating nearby, their VIII holed below the waterline like the Bismarck. Catching the mood, Rich lifted spirits with tales of a largely gynacological nature, mercifully delivered out of earshot of the juniors. Young mums be warned, do not let your children(or au pairs) use the swings at Abingdon town municipal park!

Heartened, the troops took to the IM3 VIII, heads remaining firmly switched to “on” despite a boating logjam like downtown Delhi at rush hour. The muddled thinking of the marshalls was mirrored by the race umpire who insisted, somewhat boorishly, on starting with Thames pointing directly at the bank. The resultant handbrake and wee breather for strokeside is not generally considered optimum for boat speed, Canadian lean-back or no, and Wadham, Oxford, duly took advantage. Well done Nicki for recovering so well and preserving the Geoff P.

Special mention should be made here to the efforts of our juniors who put their seniors to shame by scooping a hatful of pots on the day – Catherine in the IM3 sculls, Paul and Sam in J18 categories. A club is only as strong as the young talent coming through and the whole squad – and their coaches – should be praised to the hilt for their efforts. It’s also been noted that most are fluent French speakers – most of our lot still can’t grasp English! Zut alors.

Onwards dear friends to Met and the lake they call Dorney!

Ever your humble scribe,

“Old Man Bad Aids”

PS – Travellers – if you ever visit Dubai, Ricardo knows where you can eat an excellent Chinese at a very agreeable price. They’ll even deliver to your hotel door!

PPS – Alex, were there enough plugs? Commission cq in the post?

A bracing row up to Chiswick Bridge in Wagnerian conditions was the prelude to a successful day at the races for the Novice Men’s squad on 9 May. Two wins out of three categories made for a happy band of brothers (and sistahs, soz Pip, Nicki) and sound takings behind the Thames bar later in the day.

St George’s, Tooting, delivered a resounding kick to the rowing unmentionables in the IM3 Eights but the N4+ lifted spirits by soundly dispatching Eastbourne College. The long wait until their final allowed the squad to plug the Ergonator back into the mains for a recharge and Foo to practice his reading – he’s coming along nicely and no longer uses his finger btw.

And lo! The final came to pass.  The coaches mantra of “strokes for free” were clearly ringing in Karl’s ears in the three seat as he graciously gifted Cygnet the first two strokes off the start. But they were the only two strokes that Cygnet were in the lead for; Tom H’s relentless rhythm pounded them into submission and TRC to a 5 length win. Cheap pewter tankards from Timpsons here we come!

The Novice 8 were straight through to the final against a previously all-conquering Canford school crew who’d beaten them at Hammersmith a few weeks before. However, fortified by the four’s win, the ipod-wearing, bed-wetting  scholars of Canford stood no chance. Thames’ first four strokes ripped through the hapless pubescents – they clearly don’t teach them that in double maths. A two and a half length victory to Thames, no tea and extra Latin prep for Canford.

A special mention should be made here to The Don’s effort  in two. He’s filled the seat manfully, slapping it in and giving it some much needed length, an impressive sight and much appreciated by our largely feminine fanclub on the bank. A sizeable contribution indeed.

So, all in all a very good day. Other highlights -

Harry D-K gave hope to all those of a ginger persuasion by winning in the sculls.

Sponge cakes to die for – stout chested ladies of Mortlake, we salute you.

The squad drawing great amusement from the author’s predicament of juggling femmes past and present and generally not letting the “bad aids” drag him down.